It has been brought to my attention that people who know me are concerned I may be depressed or something that looks like that. No, I am not, I can see how some may think that based on my writing, thank you guys for your love, you are very sweet. Some days you just feel gray and life has had it's knocks. Thankfully I do not have the chemical imbalance that some suffer with, so for me to have depression which I have been in at times, it would be because i choose to turn from God, to stop trusting, to stop following, not even realizing that is what I had done. I can choose to say YES to God in everything, or only in the things that feel good and then say NO to Him when things don't go well, how sad that is.
As a parent imagine how deeply touched you would be, and they joy in your heart you would have if your precious children whom you love with all your being, were to look at you when times are hard for them and maybe you had to discipline them; for them to say to you I love you mom or dad and I know you only have the best for me, and to say thank you for caring for me, I trust you completely and I will fallow what ever you have for me, then for them to come into your open loving arms for comfort, for them to not reject you and your loving heart. But I don't know if that ever happens, when they are unhappy with us because we had to discipline or stand by and guide them when they don't want it, through hard times, they usually are upset with us and they are clearly saying with attitude and sometimes words, NO. And it hurts us, it is so hard sometimes to be a parent but you have to look out for them and do what is best, sometimes that is extremely hard but it is what they need, to be guided in the right direction, this is what you do for those babies whom you love.
I don't want to say NO to God, to turn from Him because I don't like it, to give into fear and doubt or frustration, because i know He loves me and He is in control, all things eventually work out for good, and we may never see it, I need to turn to His open loving arms for comfort and peace. Eucharisteo, I need to live in eucharisteo.
"Thy will be done" Some times it is a fight, a fight inside me for joy, joy even in the hard times, but what intimacy that can bring in your relationship With God, to find joy somehow in those hard times, to completely and with ALL your being trust Him. It is so easy to forget, one minute it is easy to find things to put on your list of gifts, your gratitude, then in an instant the kids or something else can and usually do, shatter that moment of easy intimacy with Christ, it's then that you forget, you are thrown back into old habits, you yell or snap, then no one is happy and nothing good has come of an opportunity to live and be an example of Christ's love, grace, and mercy. It is then that you are saying NO to God for this gift, rejecting Him. Practice, practice, practice.
As Ann has said in her book "only self can kill joy, I'm the one doing this to me"
When you continually live without joy, you will shrivel, every moment will feel gray and hopeless, this is death, make a choice, choose to live in Gods new mercies every day, for the tinniest gifts He fills your days with, to remember His deep love for you and to COMPLETELY trust him without any doubt; or choose death, death of your joy, your soul.
Choose eucharisteo, choose joy, this IS living, living with a loving God.
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