That heavy, gray feeling.

I felt it this morning as I got up to a house still quiet, not early, only a short time until the stirring of joyful (most of the time) little feet, I let the dogs out, who also wake with excitement to the new day ahead. It is there this morning weighing me down like the gray sky outside. What is it, is it despair, sadness, what???  Is it a soul hole?  I am feeling the weight of the reality of the burdens over us, today it is bills that need urgent payment, so I ask God, how do I have eucharisteo with this, I am not letting it stress me out, like usual I just try to maintain and just get by, but that's not enough.  Do I say thank you Lord that we cant (today anyway) pay our bills, is this a gift, if everything given from God is a gift then yes it is a gift and I have to receive it with the same joy that I have with gifts that bring pleasure. It does not feel natural, I sadly am not in a habit of thanking God for the what feels like nonstop difficult times, I have only done it on occasion. Maybe this is what He is waiting for from me, from John, from US, true eucharisteo in everything.  Jesus knew what was coming and as he broke the bread he was in true eucharisteo.  I long for the days where I did have joy and optimism everyday, taking in the small pleasures, enjoying life. God gives us gifts everyday and we need to take them in, he has joy for us, a hope for our future.   There is no reason for this feeling, I AM BLESSED, I have a husband who loves me and is willing to work out our issues, I have amazing children whom I love deeply, and we are healthy, God IS taking care of us every day.  So I tell myself get over IT,  but what is IT?
A soul hole, too much ungratefulness especially in the hard things, and not enough eucharisteo?  Some how I got here, I try to give thanks to Him for things we may take for granted, but I think the batterings of life have taken their tole, and enough is enough.
So today do I just say thank you we cant pay these things, that we have no money, I suppose I do.
I will work on writing down on my list of 1000 gifts, God is tugging at my heart and i NEED to respond.
Thank you Lord.